Kong: Skull Island Review
Kong: B-Roll Island
I mean.. Kong: Montage Island
Look I'm not gonna lie. I thought this was gonna be a decent B-Movie action romp with an awesome 70's era flavor.
So, should you watch this film? NOPE
Should you even read this whole review? haha not really, I got a bullet list at the end for ya though.
This is not the Kong your looking for.
Let us begin with all the wrong in this beast.
The first 30 minutes of this film sets the perfect tone for the 2hr bore fest that follows. A rushed exposition ridden montage setting everything up for nothing.
Whoever wrote this film should flat out quit. ... The dialogue across the board is complete garbage. I mean, I can't even force myself to think of a single line that actually sounded decent. On top of that the plot is just as poorly set out as the dialogue. I mean these beats are just clichéd to hell and back. A photographer digging something up. An ex-explorer with a past. A home-sick soldier. A commander that is a little too into war and blah blahh blahhh. The whole story is a waste of time. All the threads are there but when the net it creates ends up being a thin mess who cares?
So, crap dialogue, crap plot, what about character? there has to be a decent character with such a capable cast. Well yes, there is one single character that brings a small ounce of energy and joy to this film. That character is John C. Reilly, who plays Hank Marlow an abandoned WW2 vet. Funny since he is far from a main character, yet I would rather have watched an entire film of his time on the island. He is a good actor. His charm is endearing. He gets a handful of one liners and a plot point to move the cast but he also becomes forgettable by the end.
Brie Larson talented as she is, has nothing to do. Tom Hiddleston? nothing to do. John Goodman even has nothing to do after setting the events in motion. Samuel Jackson for heaven's sake can't even muster a good character. I mean they tried running with the whole jungle fever idea with him but they skimped out on everything. The rest of the cast is equally wasted on nothing. I don't even want to talk about the damn soldiers in this thing. They came out the worst of all force feeding flat jokes. They even tried to build some humanity toward the end but they are as 2 dimensional as they come.
Kong, the 9th wonder of the world
I'm not done with the poo yet either. The only thing worse than the writing in this film is the direction. I was ready to see a crazy monster film. Look at the trailer and tell me you don't think, "at least I’ll get some cool action sequences?!" but yeah, everything that was in the trailer was what you got. This movie plays like all they filmed was b-roll, inserts and random glory shots. It all accumulates to nothing. I remember about 5 montages in this damn movie. Sure, they all play out with awesome rock music, but then the montage ends and guess what?? nothing happened.
So, the film visually is a hurried jumbled mess. The action is uneven and boring filled with your typical slow mo poo. They had unique possibilities with a building sized Kong, yet he walks around killing with little effort. The highlight fight of the film was sub-par at best to cap it off. The creature being as lame as it was didn’t make it any prettier to stare at.
Skull Island, they're filled with skull crawlers.. that's how creative we get boys.
How can you mess up an island where you can have any Creature/Monster yet all we get is a two-legged grey lizard? That's just lazy, especially when the most boring design is your supposed "BIG" one. There are some other creatures on the island but they are few and very far apart.
A Kong sized turd.
Okay, so just to re-cap the bad in a bullet list form.
- Soundtrack! Rock was cool, wait was there even a score?
- Monsters?! do you like grey lizards?
- Characters? None here!
- Plot? there's an island no one knows about. why? because its badly written.
- Direction?!? I’m pretty sure he mistakenly thought he was making a 2hr trailer.
- what about a sequel? *vomits* yeah, we're getting a Kong vs Godzilla in 2020...
So, in ending!
3/10 - BAD
Kong: Skull Island is a boring, flat, clichéd 2hr trailer for no one. The Direction, Writing, Editing, Music, even Acting is all a Kong sized turd, and yes This is a BIG Kong. I would not recommend this to anyone unless you’re a diehard John C. Reilly fan. He is the only enjoyable thing here.